April 1, 2010

BREAKING NEWS: Jack Parker fired!

In a bizarre move made my Superhuman Athletic Director Mike Lynch, Jack Parker has been fired from the men's hockey team. The AD named an immediate successor, the one, the only, JESUS:


Jesus held a small press gathering in his backyard in Pennsylvania, while doing shirtless sit-ups. He was not surprised to be hired and stressed a new dynamic, aggressive weight lifting program. "We might not skate the best, or pass the best, or even score a lot of goals. But gosh darn it, we'll be the HUGEST team out there," Jesus said. "Hockey is 90% intimidation, 5% goalie, 2% drinking abilities, and 2% natural skill, and 1% how well you can pick up chicks. We'll definitely lead the league in intimidation."

In another strange twist to the BU athletic department Jeff Pelage has announced that he'll be stepping off the basketball team to join the hockey team. When Jesus was asked about Pelage's claim he confirmed that Jeff Pelage would be his first line center and probable captain. Asked whether he had ever played ice hockey before, Jeff said that he played sometimes in the summer. It is confirmed that Pelage will not wear a helmet during games and will take any penalties 'the man' tries to enforce on him.



"I'm thrilled to have an African American hockey player on our team," Jesus said. "That'll put people in the seats from Agganis to Indonesia."

To top it all off Jesus immediately announced the team would compete in the Indonesian International Ice Hockey Iguanawana Open. The bi-monthly competition features 128 teams from around the world on an international rink. The team will play in the tournament that begins on August 15.

The grand finale of Jesus' press conference was his presentation of a BU football cookie basket from Cookies by Design.


3 comments:

A favored alum said...

Next you will be telling us that ALAN WEINBERGER will be the new Athletic Director.

Anonymous said...

A Parker retirement article or that BU was bringing football, or baseball, back would have made a better April's Fools joke.
Or maybe Jesus getting Alan Weinberger's job after graduation.

pay per head bookmaking said...

2% drinking abilities. It is quite remarkable abilities that I bet that most of the player and even fans have.