August 23, 2009

The 2008-2009 Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Opening Ceremony

Welcome to the second annual Hot Dog and Jesus Awards at beautiful Garrett Coliseum in Montgomery, Alabama.

For the second straight year Garrett Coliseum will host our wonderful event full of smiles, laughter, cheers, tears, and everything in between. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please welcome your host for this years awards….you may know him for his ridicuathletism, his absolutely jacked body, but probably for his nine to three smile, Mr. KODJO WILDER:

*Kodjo comes out to a beautiful musical rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” He finishes partly crying because of the intense physical toll the routine took on his body. Also partly because he was so moved by the entire performance.*

*The crowd is on their feet, giving both Kodjo and MJ the applause they deserve.*

*Kodjo approaches the podium, partly out of breath.*

Peoples, thank you, thank you, thank you very much for joining us here tonight and for the next couple of days. You heard that right. It may not say it on your tickets, but we’ll be here for a while, handing out awards left and right on a daily basis.

*Some of the crowd begins to leave*

Now, I see some of you heading for the exits, but I must tell you that there will be free giveaways and good during intermissions.

*The audience eagerly runs back to their seats*

That’s better.

Anyways, Hot dog and Jesus experienced one of, if not the best year that two young white boys from the suburbs could experience. For the second year they’ve decided to recognize to the best of the best and the worst of the worst, with performances and other exciting surprises throughout the show. You’re sure to enjoy yourself.

I ain’t gonna dilly-dally no more! Let’s bring out the first presenter. He was the only student in the BU student section during the Beanpot who couldn’t chant five-year-program at Northeastern because of his decision to stay in college for as many years as possible. He’s a trendsetter of sorts – at one point in his life he was banned from Agganis Arena, people began calling him the Brokeback Cowboy (or Rhinestone cowboy), and of course, he stayed in a four-year college for five years. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Steve Thaw.

*Steve Thaw enters sitting upon a golden toilet*

Thank you. I don’t doubt that Hot Dog wrote that entrance for me. I’ll have you know I stayed an extra year because I knew the BU hockey team would be winning a National Championship in 2009. This is also why I’m a multi-billionaire. You see in August I put every penny I had, and some of my parents money, on BU to win the National Championship. It paid off, which is why I am sitting upon my permanent throne – this $3 million solid gold toilet.

*Steve farts loudly*

Uh-oh, we better get to the awards. I had a ton of crab legs before the show, I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. Here are the nominees for worst injury:

Tyler Morris

Carlos Strong

Maggie McKemie

Brian Strait

Aly Hinton

Drumroll baby, you’ve aged so much since last year – please give us the drumroll.

The winner….for worst injury is…..CARLOS STRONG. Carlos injured his leg in the first game of the 2009 calendar year. He was out for the season and it clearly changed the way the season played out.

Come on up here and accept your award Carlos.

Wow, snap, I never thought I'd get a Hot Dog and Jesus award, but this is pretty cool. I’d like to thank my leg for failing me this year, but I gotta make a promise – it’s not gonna happen this year. What will happen is an NCAA tournament apperance. You have my word. Peace and love.

Alright, alright, ALRIGHT, we’re balls deep into this award ceremony by now. I’m feelin’ it, you feelin’ it?

*Winks and smiles at BU cheerteam. They’re turned on*

Ah, yeahhh. Now we’re gonna bring someone everyone on campus knows, loves and adores. He’s the proud director of the BU band, he really needs no introduction, but it’s Band Director Chris Parks:

*The crowd gives a wild ovation. BDCP enters with an almost identical version of himself, only standing at around 2’3*

*Kodjo comes back out on stage*

Yo, hold up BDCP, is that Mini Me?

Yes, that is a Mini Me. Isn’t he cute? I took my DNA, manipulated it, and put it in this pocket sized version of myself. That way I won’ take up so much room on the band bus, and I can be at two events at once.

Damn, that’s crazy.

Yes, yes it is, Kodjo. There’s only one problem – he can’t speak. I’m working on some sort of device to ensure that he will be able to interact with people.

Yeah, that’s half the battle. Anyways, Imma let you get back to presenting.

Thanks. Folks, I said it last year, and I’m going to reiterate it – music is sports. Without music we couldn’t have sporting events. Games would be eerily quiet. BU basketball games would be more awkward than they already are. I know this, Hot Dog knows this, Jesus certainly knows this. And because we all know this, the HD&J awards honors the best song performed by the BU band in the past year.

Ladies and gentlemen, here are the nominees:

Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf

Hey Ya - Outkast

China Grove - The Doobie Brothers

Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

This is a tough one. Knowing Hot Dog and Jesus I wouldn’t be shocked if they gave it to the Doobie Brothers year after year.

Anyway, drumroll baby, give us the drumroll:

The winner, for best song, wow, I guess that makes sense – it was played right before the National Championship game-winning goal, LET IT ROCK.

*BDCP begins directing the BU band to play Let it Rock., Lil’ Wayne suddenly comes on stage. The crowd is in awe and begins techno raving to the BU band. Kodjo comes out on stage with Lil Wayne*

Wow, I didn’t see that coming. Folks, let’s techno rave until we’re too tired to – we’ll be back with more awards!


Anonymous said...

i hope steve thaw leaves if he hasnt already. just cuz u been following for a year longer than any undergrad at the school doesnt mean u can still sit in our student section until u decide to graduate. gtfo.

JohnnyC said...

what?! brass bonanza didn't make the nominee list for best song?! blasphemy!

kwilder said...

Why didn't I see this until two years guys are out of control. Much Love
Saw you guys on TV after the boys beat Hartford, in their house.
AE Championship this Saturday, If I could fly out I would. Good luck fellas. Thanks to the super fans, and go BU