August 25, 2009

The 2008-2009 Hot Dog and Jesus Awards: Day 3

KODJO: Welcome back to the Hot Dog and Jesus Awards at immaculate Garrett Coliseum. The facility is truly beautiful and HD and J want to thank the owners for holding the event for the second year in a row.

It’s time for awards. That’s what really gets me off – the awards. They should. It’s an award show and it does me right. And because of this Imma clear the stage and usher in our next presenter. He’s presenting the Most Improved Human award, and I can’t imagine a better person to present it. He is in fact the most perfect human there ever was, an he works in the BU athletics office. Women want to be with him, and so do men, ladies and gentlemen, Leo Pare:

LEO: Thank you very much, Kodjo, you always were one of my favorite athletes at BU. I’m the senior staff assistant for marketing and promotions at BU, so I’m always looking for the next premiere athlete to market the hell out of. As Kodjo said, yes, I am perfect. The process wasn’t easy, but each year I worked harder and harder, and improved myself until I reached absolute perfection three years ago in October. So now, it’s time to honor someone who improved more than anyone else last year. Here are the nominees for the Most Improved Humans:

Amarachi Umez-Eronini – Women’s Basketball

Jon Jonsson – Men’s Soccer

Zach Cohen – Men’s Ice Hockey

Steve Smolinsky – Men’s Ice Hockey

Erica Baumgartner – Women’s Lacrosse

All worthy nominees, but only one can win….and here he or she is….the winner for the Most Improved Human is…drumroll please:


*Zach walks up onto the stage in his full hockey get-up*

ZACH: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I always knew Hot Dog anad Jesus were big fans, but I never expected to win an award from them. This means a lot, it really does. I worked really hard in the offseason, and I’m not gonna lie – I did it for my girlfriend first and foremost. Then I did it for my team, then Hot Dog and Jesus. It’s paid off with all three – woo! GO BU!

KODJO: Yes! Awards, baby. This is what I’m talking about. Seeing Zach Cohen win something, it’s like watching your toddler break through 3 boards in karate class, even though the instructing was splitting them himself.

Anyways, I want to get this thing fully in motion – like me against handicapped sprinters in track meet. Don’t believe whatever rumors you hear! I beat that kid with no legs, it was not the other way I around. I repeat it was not the other way around.

Here to present our next award, give a big, loud, round of applause to the one, the only Capeman – better known as David Barth:

CAPEMAN: WOOOOOOOO! I LOVE ME SOME ME! AND SOME HOT DOG AND JESUS AWARDS. I was here last year and gave an award to the rookie that stood out from the rest. I’m here tonight to present an award to someone who’s accomplishment was enough to stand out beyond anyone else’s. I’ll say it – this award is a beast, just like these muscles:

*Flashes biceps, triceps, and even abs*

Here are the nominees for the Best Milestone Performance:

Jack Parker wins his 800th game

Corey Lowe scores 1,000 career points

Jesyka Burks-Wiley scores 1,000 career points

Sarah Dalton crushes the BU career points total

Christine Kinneary breaks the all-time career assist total

Honestly, I would give an award to all these athletes. Except Coach Parker, because he’s not an athlete – HEY-OOOOO. I’d give him a handshake though, and maybe a butt-slap when he’s walking away from me. Drumroll baby, give us some added drama:

The winner for the Best Milestone Performance…I don’t question Hot Dog and Jesus’ logic in the least bit…JESYKA BURKS-WILEY.

*Jesyka comes onto the stage with Kodjo emerging from backstage and Mac Alan-Gerard joining them.*

JESYKA: Oh my gawwwd, thanks so much Hot Dog and Jesus! It was awesome being able to score 1,000 points at home, but to get an award for it – I’m speechless. I’m about to head overseas to start my professional basketball career, and this is definitely confidence-building heading over. Thanks so much, much love!

*Kodjo stays on stage*

KODJO: Woa, my girl won. Awesome. See, this event is what it’s all about – brining people together, remembering the year that’s been, and honoring those that have really made a difference.

Speaking of making a difference lemme talk about coaches. Some you like. Some you hate. Some you even hook up with. But I’m not going to get into all that. Coaches lead the teams and, like it or not, get all the credit or all the blame. It’s time to bring out the next presenter to tell you the nominees for the Coach of the Year.

You’ve seen him around at any BU sporting event. Chances are he’s told you to S-T-F-U and threatened to remove you from the premises, but folks, he’s just doing his job. Here he is, the man you love to hate, and in some situations, love to love, here he is, the assistant athletics director for facilities, Mr. Alan Weinberger.

*Alan comes out and hugs Kodjo*

ALAN: Thank you Kodjo, always one of my favorites. It’s pretty priceless to see you whip out that million-dollar smile. I’m here to talk about coaches – the hardest job that there is. Sometimes you’re loved, most times you’re hated, and in turn, by the end of the day, you usually end up hating yourself. Lord knows I’ve seen this vicious cycle.

I’m not gonna depress you today. I’ll save it for when I kick you out of Case Gymnasium. Here are the nominees for Coach of the Year:

Dennis Wolff – Basketball

*Crowd erupts in laughter*

Kelly Greenberg – Women’s Basketball

Jack Parker – Men’s Ice Hockey

Neil Roberts – Men’s Soccer

Liz Robertshaw – Women’s Lacrosse

Where’s that little drumming baby? Oh, there you are. Come here and do your thing:

The winner for the Coach of the Year is…two very deserving women’s coaches, only one could win….is…..COACH LIZ ROBERTSHAW:

*Coach Robertshaw comes on stage to accept her award*

COACH: Thanks a lot Alan. Thank you fans, players, supporters, Hot Dogs, Jesus’, everyone. This season, once again was supreme. We want to push it to the limit here at BU and I think we did a good job of that this year. We don’t want to stop and my hope is that we can do the same next year. Thank you all very much, and don’t forget, let’s go Terriers.

KODJO: Three down, an additional, one more to go today. This guy is dyin’ to get back on stage, because it’s been a while. Backstage it’s all he can talk about, besides his hair, which he is constantly gelling and combing. You might remember him from last year’s awards ceremony, one in which Nate Gerbe made him cry – he was last years’ Roaming Reporter at Terrier hockey games on top of hosting of the Hot Dog and Jesus awards in it’s inaugural year. Here he is, making a triumphant return…Jonah Kaplan:

*Jonah runs out from back stage and pushes Kodjo out of his way, smiling and looking at the crowd the entire time*

JONAH: Hey, well, what do you know? I’m back, and boy am I happy to be here. It’s been a while. Due to some explained situations, I had to withdraw from the ceremonies when I was more than halfway through. I’m glad to be back here, as long as no one will make me cry. Boy, what a traumatic experience.

I’ve grown a lot since then. As you can see, I look like a million bucks. I am “the man,” but of course you already knew that.

*Jonah holds the same pose on stage for roughly three minutes. The crowd seems a little bored.*

JONAH: Damn I’m sexy. I’d do me. Enough! It’s time to do the task I was given – present some award. So here are the nominees for a bunch of no-names, I mean best reserves:

Mike Schulze – Men’s Basketball

Krystyn McIntyre – Women’s Basketball

Ryan Ruikka – Men’s Ice Hockey

Aaron Rosenberg – Men’s Soccer

Caitlin Webb – Women’s Lacrosse

I think they should give the award to me. I mean, look at me, how could you not? Regardless…the winner is, drumroll please:

The winner for Best Reserve is….I don’t believe it, Mike Schulze!

*Mike Schulze walks up on stage with his friend, who is dressed up in all D-Generation X gear, wearing a wig, cut sleeves, with a mean look on his face. The D-Generation X theme song plays in the background*

MIKE: YEAAAA! You ready?

*Mike nods to his friend who is now one stage. His friend nods back. Together they pick up Jonah, throw him up in the air, grab hold of him in mid air and thrust his body into the stage. They give huge ‘D-X’ signs over Jonah’s limp body.*

MIKE: My God, what a douche. That guy was a douche. Jonah Kaplan was a massive douche, and appropriate actions had to be taken. Thanks for the award Hot Dog and Jesus. This guy ain’t the man, you are both the man. Live long and prosper.

*The D-Generation X song blasts again as they leave stage. Jonah remains on the ground. Kodjo comes up and walks around Jonah.*

KODJO: Good thing we done for now. We’re gonna take care of Jonah’s lifeless body, then I hope we’ll be back with more Hot Dog and Jesus Awards. To close, we leave you with this performance by Lil' Phunk - the dance group of children that BU grew to know and love during the BU basketball season. Just make sure when Jonah awakes he doesn't get too close to them. See you tomorrow!


Jesus said...

I would have given reserve to Ruikka, but then again I only have half a vote. Dammit.

EdNick said...

wow meant killen not creekmore. thats terrible of me