August 29, 2009

The 2008-2009 Hot Dog and Jesus Awards: Day 5

KODJO: We are back. After a long delay, partly to mourn the death of our former host, Jonah Kaplan, who died right here where I'm standing two nights ago, and partly because of league that partly flooded the backstage here at Garret Coliseum.


Nonetheless, the show must go on, and it is. Right now. There's not many days left of these awards and that's probably a really good thing since the 2009-2010 Terrier athletics season has already begun, with the official-ass kick-off tomorrow night at Terrier Tailgate at Nickerson Field.

I hear dat' place got a track now. You can thank me for providing my generosity and that track, which I built by hand.

We're going to start today off with a presenter probably not completely as known as the Hot Dog and Jesus, but up there. He is a costumed freak and he does appear from time to time at BU sporting events, however, he sticks mostly to Hofstra sports. Call it pride, call it a lack of true sports knowledge, or call it a fetish for the color yellow, but this guy is all about the Hofstra Red, and Hofstra Pride.

Folks, please put your hands together for the Banana:

*Banana comes on to the stage with two girls - one on either arm.*

BANANA: WOOOOO!!!! HOT DOG AND JESUS AWARDS!!!! WOOOOO!!! OH-EM-GEE!!!!!!

*Runs over to giant statue of the Jesus award and commences dry humping it. Crowd looks confused, but chuckles.*

Look, I couldn't resist myself. I GOT THE HOFSTRA RED!!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!

*Runs back stage and comes back out with an Macbook Air. He smashes it with a hammer, sending debris flying in all directions. Kodjo comes back out on stage.*

KODJO: Banana, we went over this backstage - you can't be breaking stuff like you did last year. It's not cool to the cleanup crew, and someone has a good chance of getting hurt. Plus, you're breaking a god damn Macbook Air. What's wrong with you, homey?

BANANA: I DON'T KNOW MAN, MUST BE ALL THE DERBISOL!!! WOOOOO!!

KODJO: Derbisol? What the hell you talking about?

BANANA: HEY, KODJO, DO YOU LIKE GREY POUPON?

KODJO: Hmm, I don't know I guess I like it on hot....

BANANA: POUPON DEEZ NUTZ!!! OHHHHHH!!!

*Banana begins running in circles on stage with his arms wildly waving around in the air. He stops in the dead center of the stage.*

BANANA: Here are the nominees for the Hottest Athletic Team:


Women's Field Hockey

Women's Soccer

Women's Ice Hockey

Women's Softball

Women's Lacrosse

BANANA: I'd tap all of that. And do it at the same time. With my eyes closed. With my hands tied. You get it? Huh, huh?

KODJO: Just say the winner, Banana.

BANANA: The winner for the hottest athletic team is...drumroll baby, quickly:

BANANA: The winner for hottest team is...the women's lacrosse team. Come up here and I'll give you more than just the award:

*The women's lacrosse team accepts the award, while avoiding any of bananas sexual advances. They circle up around the award and being celebrating. They wear white and get sweatier and sweatier as they continue to celebrate. The crowd and Banana approve.*

KODJO: That was hotness - literal hotness. I'm proud the Hot Dog and Jesus approved that new award. I know people all around the globe were pitching it, cause they needed to know who the hottest team at BU was. I'm glad we put that issue to bed.

Anyway, there's no way we can waste any more time - BU sports, as I said, for the 2009-2010 year are upon us. So without further ado I present your next award presenter. Actually, there are two of them, but from what I understand they are one in the same - like Tyler Durden and Ed Norton. Or Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, only if Mr. Hyde had a smiling disease. Here they are - Fists and the other guy - Luciano Fraioli and Matt Cooper:

LUC&COOP: (They speak exactly at the same time, in unison) Hello everyone. We're here to present an award, but we're also here to talk about a serious issue, a serious disease that changes tens of lives each and every year - LFSD - Luciano Fraioli Smiling Disease. You see, back in 1995 during a visit to the zoo Luciano was made so happy the fun-loving antics of the seals that his smile stuck with him permanently. See, this may seem like it's all well and good on the surface - a constant smile, but no, it's awful. It's the one of the worst things that can happen to a person. How would it feel to be in a terrible mood, but have people think you're overjoyed? (Luciano now speaks alone) What do you think people thought of me during September 11th? I was accused of being a terrorist. I wasn't happy last year when the Yankees got spanked out of playoff contention, but my face showed it. During the America East tournament my fellow fans turned against me because I couldn't turn the smile upside down during the UMBC loss. It's awful, so terribly awful *Luciano begins crying on stage, while smiling. Cooper comforts him. Cooper now talks as Luciano cries.* Enough of this - if you want to make a donation to help cure Luciano Fraioli smiling disease please send an email, check, or PayPal to Hot Dog and Jesus. Please help cure this man's terrible smile.


Anyways, now that our main job is done, we'll do what the Hot Dog and Jesus asked us to do and present the next award. This award goes to the best moment from last year. This seems to be on a more personal level for Hot Dog and Jesus, but we were there for most every possible "best" moment, so here are the nominees:

Postgame celebrations at the Mayflower Hotel

Storming the field after men's soccer wins AE

Storming the field after women's lacrosse wins AE

Beating NU 5-1 to win the Beanpot

Postgame annhilation after men's basketball is eliminated from the AE tournament

LUC&COOP: We were there for almost all of these great moments, and what great moments they were. However, as you should know by now, there can only be one winner. Drumroll baby, do your thing:

LUC&COOP: Luciano will still be smiling no matter who wins here, but the winner for the best moment is....Storming the field after women's lacrosse wins AE - the second win for the women's lacrosse team today!


*The women's lax team comes on stage and accepts their second award of the day. They go through almost identical celebrations as they had gone through after accepting their first award. They do not acknowledge Luciano or Cooper, but Luciano continues to smile.*


KODJO: Let me tell you, that Luciano can smile with the best of them, but I guess that's what happens when you get all diseased and stuff. What an inspiration for us all.

We're switching gears here - from less personal awards to more meaningful. Two big awards actually. Some may say they're the biggest, and consistently the most controversial. I say - who am I to judge.

Here to present our next award is a character that the school knows and loves. I looked it up in the anals of Mugar Memorial Library - it's actually, scientifically proven that it's impossible to hate this man. He is a true pioneer and guiding light of the school - give it up for Dean Kenneth Elmore:

*Crowd gives the dean a huge round of applause*



ELMORE: Thank you friends and followers. I'll tell ya, that Kodjo is one cool cat. He knows his stuff and he's not afraid to have an opinion, and isn't that what's it all about. Something I like to say at our school to our students is to "Be You." Ya get it? Kind of like how when you say the first letter of Boston and University it's a "b" and a "u." This is a campaign we'll no doubt pursue at the Dean's office in the future. And I encourage you to stop by my office. We'll have a some coffee, some conversation - I'll even get one of my interns to give you a foot massage. Don't be a stranger.

Anyways, the next nominees certainly knew how to be themselves, which is why they're nominated for the Best Female Athlete. And here they are:

Sarah Dalton - Women's Lacrosse

Christine Kinneary - Women's Basketball

Cassidi Hardy - Women's Softball

Jesyka Burks-Wiley - Women's Basketball

Tahari James - Women's Track and Field

ELMORE: Yes, yes, all deserving nominees. All true competitors, winners, and spirited individuals.

Did I mention I'm a Mets fan? Sorry to break the flow of it all, but I can't help but constantly be reminded about what a rough year it's been. I think it's summed up perfectly in this video - our season in a nutshell:



Alright, I've cleared the air and I apologize for my actions. Anyways, let's get that cute little drummer boy back out here:

The winner for Female Athlete of the Year is....CHRISTINE KINNEARY!!!


*CHRISTINE walks on stage to accept her award.*

CHRISTINE: Wow, thank you. Thanks to Hot Dog and Jesus. It's been said before, but you made playing fun. It was great to have fans there who would be there every game, supporting you no matter what. It made all the difference, and inspired better basketball from our team, and really better play among all the athletes. Thank you guys. I did all I could to give back to our fans, and we came close. I'm glad to accept this award though. I'll be back on the bench next year on the coaching staff, so we'll have to make it great again. Thanks!

KODJO: Awesome stuff right there, just awesome. I love these awards - putting smiles on boys and girls faces. Making it alright to be a little controversial. Good stuff. We got a good thing goin' on here.

We're gonna continue with that good thing with our next presenter. He's one of my favorites because he's on the track team. In his off time he doubles as the artist formally known as Bongoman. I present to you, in all his glory, the one, the only, Bongoman!

*Bongoman walks onto stage playing his bongo. He walks in a circle while banging on the drum which rests on his side. The crowd is really into it and begins dancing in the aisles. This continues for a miraculous 20 minutes. After 20 Bongoman holds a pose as sweat drips down his face. He goes shirtless.*

BONGOMAN: Thank you for joining me in that musical marathon. I hoped you enjoyed it as much as I did. I enjoyed it so much I bordered on physical stimulation and had to go shirtless. And shirtless I will stay until afer I present the nominees for Male Athlete of the Year:

Corey Lowe - Men's Basketball

Shaun Taylor - Men's Soccer

Matt Gilroy - Men's Ice Hockey

Colin Wilson - Men's Ice Hockey

David Proctor - Men's Track and Field

BONGOMAN: I've put a shirt back on, as you can see.

*A tuxedo is literally painted onto Bongoman's chest.*

BONGOMAN: Here we go, drumroll baby, do it up:

BONGOMAN: The winner for the Hot Dog and Jesus Male Athlete of the Year is - I can't say I'm surprised - Matt Gilroy!

*Matt walks on stage and is joined by Hot Dog and Jesus, centerstage. They pose for pictures for an extended amount of time, then Matt approaches the podium and speaks.*

MATT: Thank you.

*The crowd goes crazy.*

KODJO: Another day, another four awards given out. There's not many remaining, and you'll have to stop by tomorrow before you head off to Terrier Tailgate to see what is sure to be a stunning conclusion to the Hot Dog and Jesus awards. Alright folks, have a safe night. You know I will. And to close, here he is - the man on the T card, performing "Amazing Grace," bust out the tissues because YOU. WILL. CRY. Mr. John Condakes:





August 27, 2009

The 2008-2009 Hot Dog and Jesus Awards: Day 4


KODJO: Welcome to Day 4 of the Hot Dog and Jesus Awards. It’s been quite a ceremony thus far. Someone almost died yesterday – did you see that! It was kind of cool, don’t you think?

Yep, Jonah didn't make it through the night and may his soul R.I.P. Let's observe a ten second moment of silence for our former Hot Dog and Jesus Awards host.

*Crowd quiets for approximately seven seconds. Someone loudly boos.*

Alright, enough of that, there are more awards to give away so let’s just get right to it – here to present our next award is someone you have no doubt seen at every BU sporting event. You’ve definitely seen him and said, "oh damn there's the one black BU hockey fan." But there’s a catch – he’s not even black! It's all good yo'. However, in case of an emergency he can be used as a psuedo-black dude.

Put your hands together for Mr. J. Manuel Dotel:

MANNY: Hey everybody. I go to a lot of sporting events, believe dat. I know all the players, the teams, you name it - and I'm talkin' on a personal level here. I'll tell you the weight of every single BU athlete and each of their favorite color, but it's a passion - I can't deny my desire. Clearly, I’m a fan and being a BU fan and this past year was totally Boner Jams '03.

There were some not awesome parts though, and most of the time these not so awesome parts were going to schools that weren’t BU to watch sports. It’s time to reflect on some of those awful sites, so here are the nominees for the Worst Venue:

Matthews Arena - Northeastern

Conte Forum - Newton College

Tsongas Arena - UMass-Lowell

SEFCU Arena - Albany

Lavietes Pavillion - Harvard

Hmmmmmmm, these all suck. Someone has to win though, but at the end of the day these nominees are all losers.

Drumroll baby, do your thing:

The Worst Venue of 2008-2009 is…...Tsongas Arena, home to the lowly Riverhawks. There was no place more full of bandwagoners, overpriced nachos, undercooked chicken fingers, and overall redneck personnel than in Tsongas. For that you can reward yourself with something – a Hot Dog and Jesus award. Congratulations, we will now set you on fire!



KODJO: Wow. Some choice words from Mr. Dotel. I can’t blame him though. I once went to Tsongas for a Lowell Devils game – yeah, a black man can like AHL hockey, you got a problem??? I got a plate of nachos – no joke, I had diarrhea for days. I’ve never pooped so much in my life.

ENOUGH!

I can tell I’m turning those ladies in the front row off.

*Looks and winks at the cheerleadering team. They giggle with excitement.*

Aight, aight, aight, enough bathroom talk. Let’s keep this show rolling. The opposite of the worst is the best, so here to present the award for the Best Venue is my boy, Andy Beatman, cheeaaaaaaaa:

BEATMAN: Ayo, whatup playboyz. Kodjo up and near ruined my presentation – he told you all what I’m giving out. Why should I waste your time and mine then? There’s drinks to be drank and food to be eaten backstage - I'm talking some buffalo chicken things and then there's a bangin' vegan tray - I’m trying to get my free munch on. So here you go, the nominees for best venue:

Case Gymnasium

Nickerson Field

Agganis Arena

Matthews Arena

The Verizon Center

BEATMAN: Yo, what the hell? How can Matthews be in it for best and worst? Whatever man, I’m not here to try to justify any of these nominations - that's for The Braut and the Holy to decide on. Drumroll baby:


The winner for Best Venue is, BOOM, The Verizon Center. This Hot Dog and Jesus award will go in the trophy case in the Verizon Center. It served home to the National Championship that now belongs to BU, so they’re getting something in return. Big ups to them. Peace be with you all.


KODJO: Oh word. That’s tight, that’s tight. Good stuff right there. I been to DC once – mad homeless people. Like, they’re all angry and stuff.

Forget DC though, we’re here in Montgomery, Alabama, where it’s all going down. Let’s keep it going now - here to present our next award, you might know him as the Baby Gorilla of the BU fan section, ladies and gentlemen, brace yourself – crew release the Baby Gorilla:

*Suddenly a baby gorilla wearing a BU hockey jersey and oversized adult diaper comes out from backstage. The audience can’t decipher if this is a man dressed up as a baby gorilla, an actual baby gorilla, or Sasquatch's uglier, cloned child. The creature yells loudly in inaudible noises.*

KODJO: Translator, please come out here and help us with this.

*One-time Hot Dog and Jesus Award winner Flute Guy comes out from backstage. The crowd instantly stands and gives him a loud round of applause.*

KODJO: Oh em gee – Flute Guy, what are you doing here? You RSVPed “no” to Hot Dog and Jesus – they were crushed and delayed this whole show months, hoping you would be able to come.

FLUTE GUY: Well, I made some rearrangement in my schedule. I needed to be here for my dear costumed friends.

KODJO: No doubt they’re happy to have you, but can you translate what this beast is saying?

FLUTE GUY: I’m well-versed in over ten languages, including Spanish, Italian, Japanese, penguin, of course French *winks at the BU cheerteam. They can hardly contain their excitement as they giggle.* Russina, and also infant gorilla. This shouldn’t be an issue.

*Flute guy slaps the baby gorilla hard across the face. It beings to cry. Flute guy shows little to no remores and yells something that doesn’t sound like any particular language at the baby gorilla, who begins to grunt back. Flute guy begins translating*


FLUTE GUY: I am here, offering peace, and to present an award. I pooped my diaper. Here are the nominees for the most hated school:

Boston College

UMBC

Vermont

Northeastern

Binghamton

FLUTE GUY: So many schools far less superior to ours. Only one can take the award though. Here, open this, baby gorilla.

*Flute guy hands the baby gorilla an envelope. He struggles trying to open it, having little ability with his thumbs.*
FLUTE GUY: Here, I got it. Drumroll, please:


FLUTE GUY: The winner for the most hated school is….Northeastern, you assholes!

Here to accept the award is the 1985 version of Paws. No joke, you look like you just climbed out of a dumpster full of gonorrhea and mutated strains of syphilis , but take your award.

*The 1985 Paws comes on stage to accept the award. The baby gorilla hands Paws the award and then suddenly attacks him. The baby gorilla mounts the NU mascot and beings violently striking him across the face. Suddenly the baby gorilla is feasting on the mascot.*

FLUTE GUY: OH, THE HUMANITY. Someone needs to do something!! This award needs to be claimed!!

*2008 version of Paws sprints to stage, grabs the award, and quickly runs off. Flute Guy begins yelling at the baby gorilla, who doesn’t respond, but continues to feast on Paws. Flute Guy runs back off stage, then quickly back on.*

FLUTE GUY: I hate to have to do this, but we have to slow the show down a little bit. We just don't have the permits to allow a baby gorilla to devour a mascot on stage.

*The curtain drops over the stage to hide the baby gorilla and Paws. Flute Guy stands in front of the curtain, looking slightly nervous for the first time in his life. Shotgun shots are heard. Flute Guy now looks uncomfortable for the first time in his life.*

FLUTE GUY: Okay, this has become a little awkward. That baby gorilla probably has an STD now, and I’m going to go drink backstage. Cheerteam, you know where I'll be here’s Kodjo to hopefully move this show along again.

KODJO: Wow, that took a weird turn really quickly. The show must go on though. Here to present our next award – a very special one – is one of the biggest heroes in BU history – Mr. Mike Eruzione.

*The crowd starts chanting USA.*

ERUZIONE: Thank you. Thank you. Each year someone stands out so far from their peers it can’t help but be remembered. Each year someone really leaves their mark on the school, the community, everyone really. These types of people need to be recognized with a special type of award.

This year’s lifetime achievement award winner goes to someone who won’t possibly be forgotten by the sports fans of BU. His name will live forever, not really because of solely his athletic abilities, but because of what type of person he was and is on the field and off– a great human being through and through.

I’m so proud to present this year’s lifetime achievement award to the one, the only, Mr. Jon Jonsson!!!

JON: Thank you so much for this award. Each day I wake up, I look in the mirror, and I ask myself, how can I make this day the greatest day ever? Not just for myself, but for everyone I see? I like making people happy and in doing so I find that I myself stay happy. It’s a great thing I have going.

Life is short, man. No one knows when you’re living your last day. That’s why you need to live everyday to the absolute fullest. You need to laugh, you need to cry, you need to experience a wide range of emotions on a daily basis – you need to find ways to make yourself happy and do all you can to ensure that, each and every day.

I’m happy to get this award. It means a lot. I really enjoyed my senior year at BU. Hot Dog and Jesus and the rest of the fans made the soccer games fun, and it was a great year, once again.

I leave you with this – try hard in everything you do. Enjoy it all – find the good in people, even if they’re bad. Love someone, love something. Life is for living, so live it large.

Thanks, stay well!

KODJO: I’m moved to tears, man. Moved to tears. On this note, I gotta give the stage up to Jon, man. He earned this award and now he’s treating everyone to his music. It'll make you have an emotional orgasm.

Until tomorrow, here’s Jon Jonsson, your Hot Dog and Jesus Lifetime Achievement Award Winner.

Click to go to Jon's musical selections!