October 8, 2008

What I Really Think The Hockey Team Is Like

This is a piece I submitted to the Daily Free Press when I was trying out this semester. I've thought about publishing it, but I have realized that it's possible that the hockey team could/would ocular penetrate me.

So I'm throwing it up here as a prelude to the men's hockey season preview. I hope you enjoy it because I kind of enjoyed writing it. None of what is said is to be taken literally. (Hockey team please don't kill me.)

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If you’re new to campus you’re probably coming to a realization that all of us slowly, but surely made within the first couple weeks of school – the hockey players won’t say “hi” to you. This is true for most average students, except if you’re a women’s lacrosse player.

For two, going on three years now, the only time I’ve had words with any members of the hockey team is when I interviewed Jason Lawrence last year for a Freep piece. And the only reason he talked to me was because he had to.

I’m not complaining – if I were as talented at a sport as they are I probably wouldn’t be going around smiling and high-fiving people. However, pretty much all the other athletes and teams are friendly with me. They greet me, wink, and give me the occasional fist pound.

But, because of the hockey’s team exclusiveness I am forced to make my own assumptions on what each player is like. So here’s what I think each hockey player is really like, outside the pads. However, first I must mention that I did have some help in all this – one former player wasn’t afraid to dish the dirt on these guys – the forgotten Terrier – C. Sanders – last years last man on the roster.

Now before I jump into this many of the things I’m going to say may be accurate. Most will not be, and you should not believe any of the things I say as truth. I’m sure there are hundreds if not thousands of assumptions people make of the dudes who dress up as a hot dog and Jesus. So, let’s just go with it.

Colin Wilson – when Colin farts it smells like cinnamon buns. He’s never been wrong in his life. Ever. He is cultured in every world language and can cook nearly every cuisine there is. Colin got drafted seventh but the truth is he was picked by every team before the Predators – he deemed them not worthy of his presence.

Jason Lawrence – I’ve spent about 10 minutes with Jason Lawrence so I kind of have a grasp of who he is. He likes bubble baths, Dave Matthews Band, Natural Ice, and the occasional team shower. He really likes Chris Higgins but is ashamed he can never live up to the legend of he-man Tom Morrow. He can only wear his number and hide in his shadow.

Chris Higgins – doesn’t own any shirts. But if you were as chiseled as he is would you either?

Zach Cohen – reads and watches Star Trek. He owns at least one of the seasons on DVD. I kind of know this because of a Freep article where Pete MacArthur dropped this information.

John McCarthy – all the years of making sure he was the most intense person in the locker room have finally paid off as he know has achieved one of his five life goals – become the co-captain of the Boston University Terriers. The other four? They involve partially illegal activities in four different continents.

Brandon Yip – can speak English perfectly, but he chooses to speak it broken with a slight Hispanic accent. Why? To constantly challenge those around him.

Matt Gilroy – looking into Matt’s eyes for more than five seconds will instantly cause you to fall in love with him. Seriously, go look at the hockey team poster and try it. Or don’t. It all depends on whether you want to get your heart broken.

Nick Bonino – he is a stand up individual. As long as he knows your name, you are his friend, even if he doesn’t recognize you on the street.

Eric Gryba – his diet consists of meat and artichoke. He beats up a middle school student a day, except on gamedays. He doesn’t like to be challenged on days that don’t include hockey games. He loves rainbows.

Steve Smolinsky – is actually part of the team, despite what you may have heard or not seen of him.

Adam Kraus – wore a diaper the first couple games last year, just in case. As he puts it, “you never know when you’re bowels are going to give out.”

Joe Pereira – likes having a tricky last name. He eats Italian food every night, even if he has no one to eat with. Possesses boyish charm.

Victor Saponari – is extremely competitive. However, he’s only competitive with his brother. Meaning this year could be very good or very bad. Only time will tell.

Brian Strait – the only member of the team who could last more than 2 rounds in the Octogan with Eric Gryba in a UFC sanctioned fight. Instead of getting pumped by listening to hip-hop before games he chooses country. Most of his teammates secretly hate him for that.

Kevin Shattenkirk – always tries to be seen with Colin Wilson, just in case someone tries taking a picture of Wilson, Shattenkirk will be there too.

Colby Cohen – likes intimidating people, even more than Eric Gryba. Gets weekly, intense games of Jenga going with Gryba, Coach Parker, Strait, and one of the goalies - loser byes the Slim Jims.

Luke Popko – is sick and tired of people referring to Star Wars and Jedi’s when they say his name. He wants to be seen as an individual, not a Skywalker!

I can’t really say anything about the freshmen because I don’t know them. Well, I don’t know any of the hockey team either. Okay, I don’t know what the freshmen look like.

Folks, these are just one Hot Dog’s ridiculous guesses about what these players may or may not be like. I doubt much if any of it is accurate, but you can’t tell me after looking at some of these athletes you won’t make the same type of assumptions. In the end, none of it matters as long as they’re winning hockey games.

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