July 2, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 17: The Final Day

COLTON: Wow, we made it. I mean, not all of us made it - Jonah didn't quite last 17 days. It's really been exhilarating here in glorious Montgomery, Alabama. I never really thought I would make it to Alabama in my life. Like why come? Well, Hot Dog and Jesus gave me a reason and I'm damn glad they did.

Before we jump into the second to last award let's go through some of the lovely guests here today, who've been here through all 17 days of awards -

Getting front row seats, because well, they've got money - CJ17 and JB10. Who you might be asking? Well, since his mother has a computer program that automatically alerts her whenever his name is mentioned on the internet, it's safer to just put it that way - CJ17 - a prominent player on the 18-1 New England Patriots. Also joining him is his boy Gabbar Jafney (J=G) - both of whom I'm sure are here supporting the dance team. But then again, who isn't?

Seated directly behind them UHA men's basketball coach Dan Liebtovitz. Perhaps given tickets by the Hot Dog since he basically has a man-crush on him. Right next to him - Dennis Wolff, Jack Parker and is that? Yes, I think it is, BC hockey coach Jerry York. But why? Oh, ha ha ha, don't tell him this but right behind him is that guy who dressed up as a gorilla at that one BU hockey game with a sign that says JERRY YORK IS A PENIS. That's clever!

Smug bastard.

Who else do we have here...well, of course in the players section of the audience every single BU athletics team, most of whom are all in full uniform. Someone better tell them there's no games.

Every single Agganis and Case season ticket holder was also lucky enough to get a ticket to this awesome event, and as a peace offering Hot Dog and Jesus provided every poke victim from their Facebook poke group T.O.C.O.T.H. a ticket. See, under those buns and beard are two very loving souls.

BU administration is on hand, probably making sure that nothing goes too over the line. Someone better tell them too late for that.

Nancy Atufunwa gets a front row seat I can see - I understand - the BU basketball head of marketing was definitely an important person to both HD and Jesus this past year. It's a shame she's headed for greener pastures in Chicago next year. I know everyone wishes her luck.

Hey, before I go on, anyone find it a bit funny that the BU Athletics website is doing the Terrier 12 - the 12 biggest sports moments in the past year - just days after Hot Dog and Jesus started their awards? Sounds like someone is striving for attention and starting a little too late. Anyways...

Could it be? Wow, sitting far to the left, hey, can I get a spotlight please?

*Spotlight turns on and goes to the far left, front row*

OH MY GOD!! It's Flat Stanley!! I can't believe my eyes. The last time I saw him was at a BU hockey game, where a drunk older gentlemen forced Hot Dog and Jesus to take a picture with young Flat. They didn't have any idea what was going on! Well, it's really a blessing to see Flat again.

There's that dude who proposed to that girl during that one hockey game this year. I hear their wedding is in two years, way to go buddy.

*Engaged man flips off Colt*

Hey, not here, there's children - like Nate Gerbe's kids!

Nashville Predators executives are on hand as well, likely making sure that Colin Wilson doesn't do anything too demeaning or demoralizing. Is it bad that he's no longer in the BU Facebook network? I feel like it is.

There's the baby tiger, being nursed back to life after it's epic adventure on Commonwealth Avenue. You go baby tiger!

There's Flute Guy, center stage, front row - and of course, he's not clothed. Women are literally hanging all over him. My God, I would trade my soul to be Flute Guy for like 20 seconds. That's all I would need.

You know, all these great people on hand. I could go on and on, but I'm going to stop right here. I want to get into all you people up there in the cheap seats, but there just ain't enough time.

*Points to people in cheap seats who start going crazy*

The two people who are missing, like really, I don't know where they are - Hot Dog and Jesus. I mean it is their awards ceremony, but after they accepted their award for Best Moment they literally disappeared.

JESUS: *Emerges from stage right. He doesn't walk, he hovers* Not so fast Colt0ne.

COLTON: Jesus Christ.

JESUS: That's me. I will relieve you from your duties temporarily, I'm going to take it from here, especially for this next award. Really, I can't resist.

COLTON: You heard the savior. Folks, until I see you again, here's the one, the only, Jesus Christ.

JESUS: It's been a hell of a year. Ups, downs, side-to-sides. You know, lots of action. But perhaps no one had more action than the ladies of Boston University. Not those who just went to class, got dolled up, f*cked Flute Guy, and joined a sorority. No, no, no I'm talking about the athletes of BU. The female athletes. I love them all so much and I wish there was a way I could prove that to all of them. I debated Hot Dog for hours on this one - I wanted to give an award to every female athlete, but he just wouldn't allow it. So, there has to be one and one alone. Without further ado, here are the nominees for Best Female Athlete -

Sarah Hudak, Field Hockey

Lauren Morton Lacrosse

Sarah Dalton, Lacrosse

Christine Kinneary, Basketball

Jesyka Burks-Wiley, Basketball

I hate this. My vote was for everyone, like I said. I reluctantly present to you the winner. Drum roll baby, use your little drum rolling wrists one more time for me...

Ain't that baby special? Believe it or not, he's Asian, and I think, one of Flute Guy's children, but we can save that discussion for another day.

The winner for the Best Female Athlete of 2007-2008 is....


Come on up to the stage Sarah.

DALTON: Wow, thank you like so much for this award. It like really means a lot to me. I don't know what I can like say to like do justice to like my competitors. Like everyone is really really good at what they do but like I guess I was like the best. Super awesome. I like have to thank my teammates on this one. Like without them I don't think I'd be like who I am! Me! Anyways, thanks Hot Dog and Jesus, you guys are like kick butt. GO BU!

COLTON: Like, that was like really awesome. 

But for serious, I think Sarah deserved it. If I know one thing it's that stats don't lie and Sarah Dalton set a Terrier record with 71 mother f*cking goals in a season. Pardon my French.

I'm not gonna dilly-dally any longer. The second half of who this awards ceremony is named after is here to wrap this whole thing up. People I present to you The Hot Dog!

HOT DOG: Thank you Colt. And thank you for stepping in on such short notice. I really felt like Ed Wade/PJ Carlesimo back there with Jonah. He really let me have it for no reason in particular. For all I know he's driving back to wherever he lives now, drowning his sorrows in Jack Daniels, behind the wheel of his Toyota Corolla. But let's leave the past behind us. 

It's time for the final award of the night and the entire awards ceremony. We've just recognized the best female athlete in this past year so let's find out which dude was the best at his given sport in 07-08. Here are your nominees for Best Male Athlete in the 2007-2008 athletic season: 

Corey Lowe, Basketball

John Holland, Basketball

Matt Gilroy, Hockey

Pete MacArthur, Hockey

Boomer Ewing, Hockey

Such a tough category. Getting the nominees was incredibly difficult. Hell, getting the nominees for all these categories was no easy task, but we did it. I know many of you won't agree with our decisions, but I remind you, this is the Hot Dog and Jesus Awards, and the committee has carefully thought these through. The committee being Jesus and I. So if you don't like it, I don't know, try to choke me out like Jonah did. However, I warn you, Paul, the 118 security guard, always has my back.

*Paul, the 118 security guard, peeks his head out from back stage. He has a stone-faced demeanor. He would beat you up*

Anyways, little slave drum roll baby, this is the last time you have to do this until next year - give the crowd the drum roll...

The winner for Best Male Athlete goes to....


PETEMAC: Yo yo, represent. Thank you Dog and God's child. I worked hard for four years, trying to win me a piece of the National 'ship. But I guess this will have to do. I saved a special place in my apartment for an NCAA Champ trophy, but I'm reluctantly happy to say that this Hot Dog and Jesus award is going there instead. To all the current Terriers and future Terriers, do me proud yo, win BU a national title so you won't ever be forgotten.

COLTON: Game. Set. Match. Folks, it really has been fun. It's been tiring, emotionally draining, and interesting to say the least. We hope you had fun here because we sure did. Until next year, I'm Colton Bozigian, and for the entire crew here at the Hot Dog and Jesus awards one final word - GO BU!

*China Grove by the Doobie Brothers plays on repeat as the audience files out of Garrett Coliseum in Montgomery, Alabama*

1 comment:

Nooka said...

This shit was epic.