June 23, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 8

JONAH: Welcome back to the Hot Dog and Jesus awards. We're going on day eight here and I'm really losing it. I've sweated through five shirts, peed my pants twice, thrown up in my mouth, and already pounded through three sticks of Old Spice, yet, I want more. Is that strange?

I don't even care if it is. I'm ready for another award to be given out. I hope you are too. However, before we get into it it's time for our second performance of the event. We all watched the BU Dance team shake their moneymakers and now it's time for their other half - ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Boston University Cheerleaders -

*Team begins routine. Things are running smoothly. About half way through the performance half the team walks off stage. The other girls look at each other and continue to perform, yet integral members of the routine are gone rendering the routine impossible. The rest of the team leaves the stage visibly shaken without finishing the routine.*

JONAH: Ok, well, much like their season I suppose. That was fun while it lasted, right? Hey, give it up for some of those ladies, they fought through adversity, almost as well as the Towson dance team. Okay...

*Light applause*

Let's move on. Big things poppin' now as we bring out the next presenter. I'm sure you've seen him many many times at any BU hockey game. He's often times been called the BU Brokeback cowboy, the razzle-dazzle cowboy, the rhinestone soldier, the 5-year Terrier. He was the Dog Pounds co-leader this past year - ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Steve Thaw:

STEVE: (In full face makeup/hat) Thank you for the warm introduction Jonah. I appreciate it. I don't like you, but I appreciate it.

*Takes swig from Pepsi bottle and grimaces*

Oh yeah, that's good stuff.

Where am I? I mean where was I?

*Looks puzzled, takes another swig from Pepsi bottle and grimaces again. Crowd looks disappointed*

(Slurring words) This award recognizes more hatred. Speaking of hatred I hate a lot of things and people. I hate the Towers dinning hall and their basement and their eggs and their workers and...

*Jonah runs out and pulls Steve aside. They exchange words. It appears to get heated until Jonah is heard yelling "Enough." Steve comes back to center stage as Jonah walks off.*

(Still slurring words) I apologize for my rant. I've been drinking. For me it's now legal, so I can do it. So, suck it.

Regardless, I'm gonna fight through double vision and the desire to throw up and do this.

The reason I'm here is to present the award for the most hated school. I thrive on hatred, as I started to say earlier, which is why I find it fitting to be presenting this award. Without delaying any longer here are the nominees for most hated school this past year, based on a criteria of athletic performance, fans, and general taste they left in my mouth. Or the Hot Dog and Jesus'. Here's the nominees:

University of Albany
Best known for: Annoying basketball fans/awful haircuts

Boston College
Best known for: Fog/beating BU in almost everything this year

University of Hartford
Best known for: Awkward mascot/ending both men and women's basketball teams seasons

Northeastern University
Best known for: Ugly horn girl/artificial noisemakers/believing in a BU-NU "rivalry"

University of Massachusetts-Amherst
Best known for: The Mullins Center/that terrible fight song

They should all win if you ask me. They can all blow me.

*Jonah emmerges from back stage again and pulls Steve aside. They exchange words again*

I apologize for my language. They can all lick me like a lollipop.

*Steve starts laughing hysterically at the baby.*

Oh my God! Is that a baby drum rolling? That's like the funniest thing I've ever seen. You're so cute little drummer boy. Come here, I just want to touch you.

*Jonah, angry, emmerges from back stage and grabs the envelope from Steve as he goes to touch the baby.*

JONAH: The winner for the Most Hated School is....

NORTHEASTERN UNIVERSITY. Coming to the stage to accept the award - the schools mascot - Paws Northeastern.
*Paws sprints to the stage with hands out for high fives, which he isn't receiving. He trips on the steps leading to the stage but hops right back up. He starts yelling something but all that can be heard is inaudible noise. He finishes by flicking off the crowd to a myriad of boo's.*
JONAH: Alright, that's enough of you. Get out of here no one likes you.

*Jonah hits Paws with a rolled up newspaper as the mascot runs off the stage.*
Okay. That my friends, was a wacky day of awards. Who would've thought these things would happen. I want to apologize for all the craziness between the presenter and the award winner. My oh my - classless to say the least. Folks, I can guarantee the complete opposite of that - I promise you absolute quality - maybe even on the same level as Jason Wang. I'll try.

Regardless, this is the end of the eighth day of the Hot Dog and Jesus awards, which really was one of the most bizarre in awards ceremonies. But the show must go on, and it will - join us tomorrow for more awards and less drunk/classless people!


Anonymous said...

do you guys have anything nice to say about anyone other than the dance team? i have never seen so much ridiculous shit posted on one website in my life. i have seen the two of you in action at hockey games and i must say that for two people that claim to be such big BU sports fans it amazes me what little grasp you have on what being a fan means. or, for that matter, how little knowledge you have about the rules of the sport of hockey. being a fan means that you should be supporting our players, not criticizing them. but since you like to pass judgement so much here is some judgement about you - my personal opinion is that you are jealous, pathetic and need to get a life.

The Hot Dog said...

*laughs out loud at Alex Gershen*

Alex said...

That's funny you think it's me