June 21, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 6. Plus Our 100th Post!!

JONAH: Wowza! Each day I come out here and I say the same thing over and over again! I'm simply blown away. These awards are life-changing. There, I said it. LIFE-CHANGING. And the fact that the Hot Dog and Jesus would incorporate the awards as part of their 100th blog post is something more than magical. Look at me! I'm fully erect! *Crowd laughs*

Put my stiffy aside, and let's focus on why we're really here. It's a full day of awards folks. Ya see, after Nate Gerbe basically assaulted me I had a sit down with the Hot Dog and Jesus. To say they were angered that I didn't fight through the incident is an understatement. I nearly lost my job. It's a good thing that they are so sympathetic and that we're such mutual fans of each other. If not, I may not be standing here right now. I promised them to fully fulfill my hosting obligations and deliver to you all what you came here to Montgomery, Alabama for - Hot Dog and Jesus Awards. And we're giving you two awards today. That's right two!!
Ladies and gentlemen, without further delay I bring out our next presenter. He'll be the second BU administrator on this stage, but the first with a Facebook. I give to you the Assistant Dean of Students, Director of Judicial Affairs, and the Director of Student Safety programs, all at once - Mr. Daryl Deluca:

DELUCA: Thank you kindly Jonah.

*Whips out burlap sack, opens it up and dumps fake ID after fake ID onto the stage*
False identification cards. Don't use them. Don't think about them. Those are words you should live by and words you should always remember. Always consider the repercussions of doing something illegal - something like using false identification cards. No matter where you are in this country you must always take your actions into account. You're representing your good name, your image, sometimes your school.

*Crowd is seen nodding in agreement*

Sometimes the places you go might not be very appealing. They might suck. You might think your actions have no repercussions in a place that sucks, but many times they do. I'm sure the Hot Dog found that out when he traveled to Boston College and his actions led to ejection from the arena. See, a perfect example of how your actions always play a factor, even in places that suck.

Since we're on the topic of places that suck I feel it fitting to jump right into our nominees for the places that sucked the most this past year. Before I introduce them I want to tell you that in deciding what the worst venue was this past year the Hot Dog and Jesus took a number of factors into account. Some of these factors included food, bathrooms, security, environment, cleanliness, box offices, and a big one - fans. So without further ado here are your nominees for the Worst Venue:

Schneider Arena, Providence College
Home to: High school PC fans who stole the BU flag

Mullins Center, Massachusetts-Amherst University
Home to: Some of the most awful/ignorant people on earth

Matthews Arena, Northeastern University
Home to: Artificial noisemakers

Conte Forum, Boston College
Home to: Fog

TD Banknorth Garden, Boston
Home to: 2007-08 Terrier disappointment

Lots of awful places indeed. Some definetely more so than others, however there can only be one winner. So, can I get a drumroll please...

The winner for the Worst Venue is....

THE MULLINS CENTER!! With your overpriced Dominoes pizzas, downright horrific security, and arguably the worst fans in college sports this decision, as I've been told, was rather easy for the Hot Dog and Jesus.

Now, to award everyone, including the Mullins Center itself, we will set it on fire. Congrats Mullins! You deserved it.
JONAH: It's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes. *Removes jacket* Yes, I am getting so hot and I want to take my clothes off. *Realizes there is no music/everyone is watching him with mouths agape. Swallows hard.* I apologize. Sometimes I get carried away. That might not happen again. It probably will though.

Anyways, being set on fire is cool and all, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather receive one of these guys.

*Starts posing for no camera in particular*
Well, I can tell you this, the Mullins Center ain't got sh*t on beautiful Garrett Coliseum here in Montgomery, Alabama. Huh? Yeah, let's give it up for Garrett!

*Crowd starts clapping*

Alright, alright, that's enough. I think it's time we move it along to the next award. Hopefully an actual award is given out, rather than flames and destruction. So our next presenter - he's not as well known as some band directors, but without him the sounds from the Terrier band wouldn't be half what they are - he's the assistant conductor of the BU band - Mr. Jason Wang everybody!

JASON: Hello to all. You've come from near and far and I greet you with open arms. I want to make this experience as perfect as possible, for all of you. You see, I am perfect. I smell perfect. I dress perfect. I'm always clean. My fingernails are always cut and never dirty. My mustache...do you see it? Exactly, that's because it's not there. It's not needed. 20/20 vision. I can bench press my weight. I am perfect. Which is why I want to try to have some of this perfection rub off on you. I know it's rubbed off on many in the past, but not enough you see. I want to share it. My perfection has even rubbed off on some places. These places deserve to be recognized, just as the worst places were. This is that award - the award for the most perfect place in this past year. Again, these candidates were all judged on the same criteria that the worst venues were. Here are the nominees for the Best Venue:

The Binghamton Event Center, Binghamton University
Home to: The 07/08 America East Basketball Tournament

The Bob Carpenter Sports/Convocation Center, University of Delaware
Home to: Blue Hen basketball/best concessions in the state of Delaware

Harry Agganis Arena, Boston University
Home to: The Dog Pound and the hockey team

Nickerson Field, Boston University
Home to: Silly snow messages/the women's lacrosse team

Case Gymnasium, Boston University
Home to: Basketball!

Those are the nominess. Only one will be fotunate enough to be known as the Best Venue from the 2007-2008 athletic season. DRUM ROLL BABY, please give me a drum roll....
The winner for the Best Venue is.....

Case Gymnasium!! Case had the most energy and most amazing atmosphere of all the candidates. It is indeed a worthy winner. Plus the band and dance team are there game after game. I ask you how could Hot Dog or Jesus choose anything else? Congratulations Case, a nice Hot Dog and Jesus award will be mounted in the lobby's trophy case.

JONAH: What a day. I'll tell ya, each day gets better and better and I hope that you're enjoying them as much as I am. Jesus, I think I'm hallucinating. Could it be... am I getting high off this awards ceremony? I hope so!

*Crowd looks puzzled*

Unfortunately, we have to put a wrap on the day, which is probably best for me. Make sure you join us tomorrow for more awards and more mind-blowing hallucinations! I mean experiences!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hahahahhaa finally jason wang gets some much deserved credit from someone besides me!
-tuba girl (not nearly as cool as flute guy..but we all have to start somewhere)