June 29, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 14

JONAH: AH, yes. Day number 14. No one thought we'd make it past lucky number 13. But to all you superstitious readers, I have this to say: HA!

As a recap, yesterday Mike Salem presented the Coach of the Year Award to Women's Basketball Coach Kelly Greenberg. But no one cares about that, because the day before we all witnessed ME, Jonah, receive the first ever Hot Dog and Jesus Lifetime Achievement Award. Amazing.

But enough about me, let's get to the presenter. Perhaps the greatest mascot in all of the NCAA, Rhett the Terrier will announce the nominees and winner for Best Moment of the Year!

*Rhett walks on stage and makes rather obscene gestures to the audience that many pass off as sign language (This blog would likely be censored if we went into further detail). Though with a muffled, slightly inaudible voice, he begins to talk*

RHETT: Thank you ******* I am ************************* very tough category tonight**** best moment of the year ************* and the nominees are:

The first round AEC tournament OT win over Albany and the celebration that ensued

The Hot Dog and Jesus win the 50-50 hockey raffle

Red Hot Hockey at Madison Square Garden and the 6-3 victory over Cornell

John Holland's 38 points and his monster slam dunks against Hartford

Brett Bennett's first career shutout against Maine

RHETT: These nominees are all ********************* drum-roll please?

And the winner *******best moment of the year***************


*Crowd Gasps in utter disbelief*

JESUS: Sure, this moment may not have been the best moment for anyone else but us two. In all fairness, however, we are the judges.

HOT DOG: That's right. Jesus Christ, I spent my share of the $549 winnings in three days; all on candy. I road-tripped to New Hampshire to buy 554 tax-free 99 cent Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Wow, those were three glorious days.

JESUS: Right. Well, as great as the BUDT halftime performances are, we applaud the dance team tonight for a much different feat. On behalf of The Hot Dog, we both thank the BUDT for magically drawing our ticket out of the hundreds of tickets purchased that night.

HOT DOG: It certainly spurred many bro hugs, that's for sure.

*Hot Dog and Jesus walk off stage to more than a few booing fans. Paul, the Agganis section 118 security guard, punches out each and every booing fan and gladly escorts them out of Garrett Coliseum*

JONAH: Well, until tonight, I thought I had seen it all. But boy was I wrong. The Hot Dog and Jesus take home an award in their own award show. Fitting? I think so. Anyways, this is the 14th day I've had to do this and it's getting rough on the knees. Can someone direct me to the nearest alcohol establishment in Montgomery? Until tomorrow, this is Jonah and thanks for tuning in.

June 28, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 13

JONAH: Back again, Hot Dog and Jesus Lifetime Achievement award winner Jonah here again for day number 13 of the Hot Dog and Jesus awards. As the ceremony winds down the awards really heat up - 5 days left and 6 awards. People, it doesn't get much better than this.

Enough dilly-dallying, let's get to today's award. To tell us about this award and the nominees I present to you one exceptional human being. He's been called the man that can do anything and everything - in England he's known as King Spectacular - he's the head of the Dog Pound - Mr. Michael Salem.

SALEM: Hello my friends. It really is an honor and a pleasure to be here. I really enjoy seeing everyone come together as a unit in this spirited award ceremony. It's fun, is it not? I could go on and on talking about this past year in Terrier sports, but I'll refrain. I'm here for one thing and one thing alone. Well, I want to enjoy everyone and everything, but I have to present to you this award. Today's award is for the Best Coach. The winner isn't necessarily the most successful coach, or most liked, or even most distinguished. The best coach embodies Terrier sports and what it is to strive for the best in every single way. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the nominees for the Best Coach in this past year:

Coach Brian Durocher, Women's Ice Hockey

Coach Liz Robertshaw, Women's Lacrosse

Coach Jack Parker, Men's Ice Hockey

Coach Dennis Wolf, Men's Basketball

Coach Kelly Greenberg, Women's Basketball

I can tell this was an incredibly close contest. All coaches, very deserving of this wonderful Hot Dog and Jesus award, but only one can win. So without further ado, drum roll baby, please...

He's so happy isn't he? Okay, so the winner for Best Coach of the Year is...


GREENBERG: Wow, thank you for the award Michael. Thank you Hot Dog and Jesus for your continued support throughout the year. I try to put an entertaining and successful product out on the court and I'm glad that people can enjoy it. I hope next year we can continue our success with another undefeated season in Case gymnasium. If I believe, I sure hope you believe as well. Thank you everybody!

JONAH: I feel great for Coach Greenberg. She really deserved it after winning every single game at Case. Really, ain't that enough?

Well, unfortunately that is the final award for the day, but it is not the final piece of entertainment. To take us out tonight and lead us into to tomorrow we're going to have a special presentation. To sing "God Bless America," "The National Anthem," and "Bohemian Rhapsody" is Mr. John Condakes. His voice cures cancer, so if you have cancer and you're in the audience here at Garrett Coliseum, you're in luck. For those of you who don't know who John is I might ask you to refer to your Charlie Card - yes he is on the Charlie Card.

Enjoy everybody and we'll see you tomorrow.

*John's voice brings the entire audience to tears. Not a single person is not crying.*

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 12

JONAH: Well, well, well after a day of rest, relaxation, and recuperation I'm back, we're back, everyone's back.

The day of voting for Fan Favorite gave us the day off here but after a whooping 24 votes the Fan Favorite has been decided - he pounded dudes, he roughed up Nate Gerbe, he contracted mono - ladies and gentlemen, the 2007-2008 Fan Favorite - Mr. Eric Gryba.

*Gryba's footsteps are felt as he approaches the stage - he shakes the building*

GRYBA: Gryba thanks fans. Gryba thanks friends. Gryba happy to receive this award. Doesn't have to punish mother or father. Gryba thinks sisters has something to do with success, especially with these pictures with Hot Dog man. 

Gryba doesn't care. Gryba puts award in trophy case. Gryba now go celebrate with pong. All females invited.  

JONAH: That Eric Gryba, he scares me and shakes the foundation I stand upon. Regardless, he didn't scare you all as he makes it clear he's everyone's favorite athlete. Congradulations to you Eric.

Folks now we move onto a more serious award. It's not really an award where there are nominees or voting or really any competition. However, this could be the most important award that is given out during these marvelous awards. Each year someone does something that really stands out and sets them above the rest of everyone else. We recognize these people who shine year by year, but what about those people who really stick out during their entire lifetime? Well, they deserved to be honored too don't they? YES THEY DO. So, without a real surprise the Hot Dog and Jesus established the Lifetime Achievement Award. In this envelope I hold in my hand I have the winner of this very special award. 

*Opens envelope*

Wow, I really didn't see this coming. People the first Hot Dog and Jesus Lifetime Achievement Award goes to....


*Some boos  from the crowd. Most are in utter astonishment.*

I'm gonna accept this award on my behalf. I don't know what I should say - I mean, I suppose I'm accepting this because I worked to be a trailblazer, basically my entire life. It wasn't easy being the roaming reporter this year in Agganis Arena - I would get booed anywhere I went, people would throw stuff at me, including one time, human feces, I really wasn't given a chance. But Hot Dog and Jesus always believed in me - they always supported me and they're showing it by giving me this award for a lifetime of achievement. I thank you Hot Dog and Jesus and I hope to continue to achieve throughout my life. I don't think that it will be a problem. 

People, that's all for today. Join us tomorrow as we draw closer and closer to the culmination of the Hot Dog and Jesus awards.

June 26, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 11

JONAH: Welcome back, welcome back. It's not much of an award giving out day, but it's interactive I can tell you that. We need your help.

Today's award is indeed the Fan Favorite award - only thing is we haven't had any fans vote on it. Hot Dog, Jesus, myself - we all need your help. We want you to vote all through tomorrow to determine who is the fan's most favorite player this last year. Here are your nominees:

Eric Gryba, Hockey
Best Known For: Messin' Dudes Up

Scott Brittain, Basketball
Best Known For: Being from Canada

Christine Kinneary, Basketball
Best Known For: Assist-Machine

Lauren Morton, Lacrosse
Best Known For: Pounding Girls (on the field)

Tunde Agboola
Best Known For: Tunday - February 12, 2008

These are your nominees for Fan Favorite. Rock the vote and check back tomorrow to see who wins. Also, tomorrow, even more Hot Dog and Jesus Awards!

June 25, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 10

JONAH: Hello and welcome back to Day 10 of the Hot Dog and Jesus Awards. Yes, we've made it to double digits and my toupee is still in prime form. Wait, that was just a...joke. Yes, my hair is all natural. Anyways, every award only seems to get more exciting as the days progress and the creepy trophies with the Hot Dog or Jesus' head are given away. I wish I had one. I know this is just the first year of the awards, but perhaps next year there will be a category for best host at an award show? Just a thought. 

Without any more delay, I would like to introduce a man of many names but only one viking helmet to accompany him: Max "Mono" Esposito!

MONO: Thank you Jonah for that lovely introduction. But I no longer go as "Mono," for my name will forever be...BONGO MAN.

*Crowd appears confused as Mono/Bongo Man whips out his bongo attached to his belt and plays a 20 minutes bongo solo*

BONGO MAN: Normally, people have to pay to hear that kind of skill. But enough of that musical beauty, it's time to start what I was brought here for. 

I've seen some pretty amazing games in my day. Some of them were even worth bongoing over. We saw comeback wins, monster blowouts, and overtime thrillers, and Hot Dogs rushing the court. The award that I, Bongo Man, am fortunate enough to present to you all tonight is BU's Best Win of the Year. Here are the nominees:

Men's Ice Hockey 7-4 win over UML - 11/3/07

Men's Basketball OT thriller in Quarters of AEC Tournament

Lax defeats UNH 9-8 in OT to win 4th straight AEC Title

Women's basketball defeats Hartford 62-60 with Kristi Dini's half-court buzzer-beater

Holland drops 38 as Men's Basketball blows out Hartford 97-66 on 2/28

BONGO MAN: Oh boy, these were all great games that I would love to play my bongo at. Unfortunately, the band said they had no need for a bongo player. How insulting. I'll save the tears for later, it's time for the winner. Can I have a drum-roll please?

*After a few seconds, Bongo Man sprints toward the baby, takes the drums and throws them into the audience. He once again whips out his bongo and does the drum roll himself. The baby proceeds to cry*

And the winner is: 

Kristi Dini's half-court buzzer-beater!!!!!!

KRISTI: Thank you so much everyone! I'm sorry that I have to accept this award while sitting in a bathtub full of ice, it's just that ever since that halfcourt shot that I made, I've been so hot that I really needed to cool off. *Kristi pauses for audience to laugh, but it remains silent*

Anyways, I hope next season is full of many more moments where we give the Hot Dog more chances to storm the floor in full force, because it certainly isn't enough to see a giant hot dog bun come flying at you only once a year.

JONAH: Ah, yes. The half-court buzzer-beater. The shot of all shots, the answer to all questions, the key to every lock. I used to hit so many of those back in my intramural basketball days at BU. 

But enough about the past, tomorrow means the future and Day 11 will bring even more excited nominees to the stage for another day of Hot Dog and Jesus awards. Thank you all for tuning in. Goodnight from Montgomery, AL.

June 24, 2008

The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards Day 9

JONAH: Hip-hip hooray! I'm back. We're back. The Hot Dog and Jesus Awards are back for yet another day. It doesn't end and I get happy inside just thinking about them.

Yesterday we had some terrible experiences here - the cheerleaders didn't really make it through their performance, our presenter got drunk on stage, then the award winner - Paws Northeastern - flicked off all of you. I apologize again for all of that - I know it's not my fault, but really, stuff like that should not be happening. We should all act a little bit more like Jason Wang.

Anyways, today is another day meaning there's another award to be given out. Without further ado let's bring out our next presenter - everyone's least favorite BU player and alumnus - Mr. Kenny Roche

*Mixture of boo's and applause*
KENNY: Hello there. Remember me? I'm so silky smooth. I'm so fly. I'm the man. I am Kenny Roche. Yeah, I'm in the NHL. Well, kind of.

I played a little bit for the Lake Erie Monsters. Or as I like to call them the Colorado Avalanche Jr.'s. I was pretty good, probably the best player in the league. GO MONSTERS!

But I wasn't really feelin' it ya hear? My teammates didn't really feed me the puck as much as I needed it - I only had 6 points in 32 games. So I came up with the idea to go and rip up the ECHL with the Johnstown Chiefs - the AA affiliate of the Avalanche. All my idea, seriously. GO CHIEFS!

Now I live in a studio apartment about an hour east of Pittsburgh with my girlfriend, Rosa. Life's good if you know what I mean. JOHNSTOWN'S THE SH*T! JUST LIKE ME!

One day you'll see me cross checking Sidney Crosby - you can count on that. GO CHIEFS!

Anyways, anybody who knows anything about anything knows that I was the straight sh*t at BU. The fans, the ladies, my teammates - everyone loved me. Which is surely why I'm back here giving out this award. I wish I coulda got one of these. I mean, I know what it would've been a given had the Hot Dog and Jesus done this last year - Male Athlete of the Year. No doubt, no questions.

*Crowd doesn't seem too pleased*

Alright, enough of this - it's time to tell you the nominees. Oh, I should tell you the award too. FINE - this award is for the worst loss a Terrier team experienced this season. Worst in how the Terriers played, how much the loss hurt, how embarrassing and awful the whole game was. Here are the nominees -

Men's Hockey
BC - 4 BU - 3 (OT) - Beanpot Semifinal - 3/4/08

Women's Lacrosse
UPENN - 8 BU - 5 - NCAA Quarterfinal Game - 5/17/08 (Ended season)

Men's Hockey
UVM - 3 BU -1 - Hockey East Semifinal - Pete MacArthur's last collegiate game - 3/21/08 (Ended season)

Women's Basketball
UHA - 61 BU - 45 - America East Championship - 3/16/08 (Ended Season)

Men's Basketball
UHA - 59 BU - 52 - America East Semifinal - 3/9/08 (Ended Season)

Of course, someone like me would never play on a team like that. Ha-ha-ha. That is laughable to think that.

I don't lose, I just don't try sometimes.

I suppose I must announce a winner in this group of losses. So let's get a drumroll...
The winner for the Worst Loss of the year is....

Women's Lacrosse against UPENN!

To accept the award is #99 Sarah Waxman - the University of Pennsylvania goalie and NCAA women's lacrosee player of the year.

WAXMAN: Thanks I suppose. It was fun beating BU...they were tough. I have to thank my teammates for making the loss so crushing. I have to thank me. I have to thank Kenny Roche and his huge ego - he's someone I never knew but I'm glad he was here today. Thanks Hot Dog and Jesus - I remember you from two years ago when we beat BU in the quarterfinals - I didn't see you there this year, but hey, thanks for the award.

*Jonah emmerges from back stage*

JONAH: Listen Waxman, they were there. So was BU womenn's basketball player, #21, Aly Hinton, and BU still lost, which I'm sure is why this can be considered the worst loss. Now leave.

WAXMAN: Ok then.

JONAH: You've worn out your welcome.

*Waxman leaves the stage, dejected*

JONAH: Ew. Waxman smelled like B-O. That's all I have to say. I'm sick and tired of handling these awful presenters and award recipients. There's barely enough space in this building after Kenny Roche's ego made an appeareance. I don't think anyone was expecting that. Sorry - I'll apologize for him and everyone else in this cold, cruel world.

People, that's the end of another day. Tomorrow we'll be back with more exciting action and awards. Let's just hope the presenters and award recipients are more kind and curtious.